Later, Tater
Ice Scream Mama Moves On – You Can Too, In 4 easy steps
So you’ve just gotten the boot from Blogger Idol? You’re not alone. It has happened to many talented, creative bloggers. The steps below will help hasten your emotional recovery.
Step 1 – Drink.
Heavily. Grab a bottle from the cabinet and just start swigging. You might find it necessary to camouflage your habit. Empty a soda bottle and replace with your alcoholic beverage of choice. If vodka is your poison, you can use an empty water bottle. Do not, I repeat, do not use your kid’s sippy cups or bottles. This can lead to serious consequences, such as a visit from social services and really mean stare downs from your neighbors.
Step 2 – Curse.
Shit. Ass! Damn! Whatever comes out, go with it. Compound cursing will make you feel even better. Make up modifications like, Shitfudge! Crapass! Or Big Suckaroonis! Don’t worry about lame curses, it’s all about getting out those emotions.
For those under the care of a professional healer, aka, a therapist, you can possibly increase the speed of your recovery by combining cursing with a ‘dramatic gesture.’ For example, try shaking fists in air and spatting defensively, “I didn’t want to be an Idol anyway! Feh!” Feel free to scream it loud or just mutter like some crazy person under your breath. It’s a style thing. You’ll know what feels right
Step 3 – Hug.
When the anger and disappointment exhaust you, you will feel an overwhelming gratitude. It will lead to hugging. Lots of hugging. You will hug your family, who put up with your psychotic stress over completing an assignment. You will hug friends who you badgered and threatened for votes. There is some danger of inappropriate hugging. Make sure not to hug the neighbor’s spouse too tightly, or any person operating a mechanical device or holding sharp objects. This can lead to a hospital visit.
During this phase, it is possible to experience abrupt crying outbursts. At any time you might find yourself blubbering, “It was just so much fun!” Or, “Why didn’t the judges ever really like me?” If you are a “snotter” be prepared and carry tissues. This will ensure against unfortunate mucus leakage, or worse, transfer to another party if episode occurs while actively engaged in hug.
Step 4 – Move on
It won’t be easy not to stalk the ‘exclusive’ FB page, so try checking in casually once a day with something banal and positive, like “Hey guys. Doing great!” Do not comment, “Ice Scream Mama can write a tutorial!” every time someone posts something. No one will appreciate that. Not even if you add a smiley face emoticon.
And that’s it. Simple. Worked for me. At 1:01pm, I was drunker than an urban cowboy, fartknuckling (Yo! Meredith!) and shitassing all over myself. At 1:03pm, I was crying into my ice cream bowl, and screaming to my cat, “If Heather Reese’s husband wouldn’t have eaten all of her ice cream, this never would have happened!” But luckily at 1:05pm, my mailman came. I hugged him tight, because really, he just does the BEST job ever. I mean, who else brings me stuff every day?!!! Rain or shine??! After he ran away, I stood there, snot and tears running down my face, spoon in hand, and thought, “I had a damn good time.” And there it was at 1:07pm. Peace. Out.
Love you guys! You’re the sweetest. Wait, no, that’s me. But you guys really, really rock. Thank you all.
